Be Well

Love in the Present Moment

Throughout my life there have been periods where I can’t make much sense of anything. I go to therapy, I read books and articles, but I still feel this sense of being lost and surrounded by this big cloud of uncertainty.

I start second guessing who I am and where I’m headed and just feel very distant from purpose. I get up, go to work, come home without really understanding what it’s all for.

After stumbling around for months, I’ll find my way back to words. While they have not shown up on this blog for some time, I have been eeking out scribbles in my journal…mostly questions like, “Am I on the right path?” “Is it time for a change?” “How can I carry on?”

I have been thinking so much about the future lately and whether I’m really setting myself up for the kind of life I can fully inhabit and enjoy. In my desire to create some perfect plan (or exit strategy), I miss the moments that are happening now.

As much as I still would like to know where I’m headed, I’m learning to enjoy the small everyday things until the fog clears. Enjoying a cup of fancy tea that I bought in NYC on a work trip. Laying on the couch with my boyfriend and running my fingers through his hair. Reading old love letters and poems that have been sitting in boxes for years.

I found this in an email that I wrote to my boyfriend almost 3 years ago (back when emails dared to be so vulnerable)…

We are here for a time and then we die, so we might as well try at something we really love while we’re here. We might as well push ourselves and chip away at achieving exactly what we set out to do. To experience flights of power and profound disappointment. To live at the height of our potential and not shy away from all that we are and desire.  

Perhaps I will never figure anything out, but I will keep trying and I can love while I’m here.

 

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Spark

Spark

A phone call

A tap on the shoulder

A tweet

Spark

Two people moving in the night

Two minds meeting

Two hearts feeling all the feels

This is what it feels like to

Spark

A new trail

A new year

A new relationship

Let it light up the world

Let it set this world on fire.

I Am

I am a whole machine,

physical proof of the universal laws.

I bend, I break, I bruise,

I eat, I ache, I arrive

a miraculous conglomeration of

fluid, cells and happiness.

On the map of my existence

there are roads that lead to

heartbreak and signs that point to

nowhere. The levels are coded in

shades of ambiguity and prayer.

I pray for an exit strategy, but

there are only stairs and an

arrow mark pointing down –

Big red dot. You are here.

Finding Balance

Life these days is filled with meetings, prepackaged foods, and not enough sleep. Somehow I’ve lost my balance. My laundry is overflowing and my car needs a tune up. I have unanswered emails and unfinished blog posts. My mind has reached its maximum capacity for to-dos and what-ifs.

I am hovering at a tipping point and ready to turn over.

Maybe I can learn to to say “no.”

Maybe I can replace weekend plans with nothing in particular.

Maybe I can focus on spending time rather than saving it.

Maybe I can reset the scales, thing by thing, second by second.

Slowly but surely I will find my way back.

(Slowly but surely I will find my way).