Love in the Present Moment

Throughout my life there have been periods where I can’t make much sense of anything. I go to therapy, I read books and articles, but I still feel this sense of being lost and surrounded by this big cloud of uncertainty.

I start second guessing who I am and where I’m headed and just feel very distant from purpose. I get up, go to work, come home without really understanding what it’s all for.

After stumbling around for months, I’ll find my way back to words. While they have not shown up on this blog for some time, I have been eeking out scribbles in my journal…mostly questions like, “Am I on the right path?” “Is it time for a change?” “How can I carry on?”

I have been thinking so much about the future lately and whether I’m really setting myself up for the kind of life I can fully inhabit and enjoy. In my desire to create some perfect plan (or exit strategy), I miss the moments that are happening now.

As much as I still would like to know where I’m headed, I’m learning to enjoy the small everyday things until the fog clears. Enjoying a cup of fancy tea that I bought in NYC on a work trip. Laying on the couch with my boyfriend and running my fingers through his hair. Reading old love letters and poems that have been sitting in boxes for years.

I found this in an email that I wrote to my boyfriend almost 3 years ago (back when emails dared to be so vulnerable)…

We are here for a time and then we die, so we might as well try at something we really love while we’re here. We might as well push ourselves and chip away at achieving exactly what we set out to do. To experience flights of power and profound disappointment. To live at the height of our potential and not shy away from all that we are and desire.  

Perhaps I will never figure anything out, but I will keep trying and I can love while I’m here.

 

Spark

Spark

A phone call

A tap on the shoulder

A tweet

Spark

Two people moving in the night

Two minds meeting

Two hearts feeling all the feels

This is what it feels like to

Spark

A new trail

A new year

A new relationship

Let it light up the world

Let it set this world on fire.

Back Home

“It’s interesting to think that no matter

how far you are from yourself,

no matter how exiled you feel

from your contribution to the rest of the world or to society –

that, as a human being, all you have to do is enumerate

exactly the way you don’t belong – and the moment

you’ve uttered the exact dimensionality of your exile,

you’re already taking the path back to the way,

back to the place you should be.

You’ve already found your way home.”

-David Whyte

I Am

I am a whole machine,

physical proof of the universal laws.

I bend, I break, I bruise,

I eat, I ache, I arrive

a miraculous conglomeration of

fluid, cells and happiness.

On the map of my existence

there are roads that lead to

heartbreak and signs that point to

nowhere. The levels are coded in

shades of ambiguity and prayer.

I pray for an exit strategy, but

there are only stairs and an

arrow mark pointing down –

Big red dot. You are here.