I Am

I am a whole machine,

physical proof of the universal laws.

I bend, I break, I bruise,

I eat, I ache, I arrive

a miraculous conglomeration of

fluid, cells and happiness.

On the map of my existence

there are roads that lead to

heartbreak and signs that point to

nowhere. The levels are coded in

shades of ambiguity and prayer.

I pray for an exit strategy, but

there are only stairs and an

arrow mark pointing down –

Big red dot. You are here.

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Finding Balance

Life these days is filled with meetings, prepackaged foods, and not enough sleep. Somehow I’ve lost my balance. My laundry is overflowing and my car needs a tune up. I have unanswered emails and unfinished blog posts. My mind has reached its maximum capacity for to-dos and what-ifs.

I am hovering at a tipping point and ready to turn over.

Maybe I can learn to to say “no.”

Maybe I can replace weekend plans with nothing in particular.

Maybe I can focus on spending time rather than saving it.

Maybe I can reset the scales, thing by thing, second by second.

Slowly but surely I will find my way back.

(Slowly but surely I will find my way).

What Matters Most

“The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.”

This quote popped up on my screen yesterday and I found myself nodding in agreement.

2014 was a year filled with change and much of the time I felt unsettled. I spent so much time searching for the security I once had that I forgot to pay attention to those small, nameless moments.

As I enter 2015 with a few more things than I had last year – a new job, a great group of friends in this still new city, I was suddenly reminded of what I had been taking for granted all that time.

I forgot about the daily phone calls from my mom telling me everything was going to be okay.

I forgot about the nights my boyfriend took me out for drinks to celebrate some small success that hardly mattered to the outside world.

I forgot about the hopeful messages and comments left right here on this blog as I was struggling to find my place.

I forgot to say thank you. Even if we haven’t met face-to-face, you being here means a lot. It has kept me going, it has made me smile, and it matters.

Having Enough

When we experience this kind of closeness with life, it is astonishing to think how much of the time we’re sleepwalking through it. 

When I get really quiet inside, I realize I have everything I need. A roof over my head, hot water running through the pipes, someone to sleep next to. Sometimes I think I am the luckiest girl in the world. Not because my wildest dreams are coming true; I am lucky because I have enough.

During the holidays it’s easy to get caught in the whirlwind of more. We shop til’ we drop, plan elaborate meals, and race from place to place, never feeling like we have enough time to check everything off our lists. In the midst of our hurrying, we lose sight of what makes this season special. These winter months are a rare occasion in which we have permission to slow down. When we can detach from all the thoughts and to-dos and what-ifs and hit the refresh button, to make room for the new.

We make space for…life to sweep in, for life to happen.

There is no greater feeling than to be swept up in it – whatever that may be – a joke, a blue sky, a conversation, a second slice of pie – to be in that. When we experience this kind of closeness with life, it is astonishing to think how much of the time we’re sleepwalking through it, going through the motions without the gravity of consciousness. There is no greater feeling than to be pulled into this kind of gravity.

This holiday season let’s remember that beyond presents, long commutes and family drama, lies this opportunity to fall into the moment exactly as it comes. It may not be perfect or wrapped in a bow, but it is ours and it is real, and it is more than enough.

P.S. For more thoughts on simplifying the season, click here.